Local Insanity

Nothing like waking up Monday morning to enormous sticky slice of crazy just waiting to jump off of the pages of the local newspaper. Here is the story with some running italics commentary from yours truly...

Citywide Rosary for Life will be held on Palm Sunday
By D. GOSSETT - Full Story

STEUBENVILLE - Shirley Schalk said she was "in the middle of my prayer time last August when I heard a soft voice in my mind (saying) 'use me, use me.'"

I frequently hear voices in my mind saying "use me, use me".....this usually ends with some form of self gratification. Don't knock it.....it's sex with someone I love.

"I continued to pray because I knew it was our mother's (Mary) voice. I have been and continue to be very concerned about abortions in our country and I knew she was telling me to do something through prayer," explained the Steubenville woman.

Of course she KNEW it was mother Mary's voice. I mean, who else would be talking to her in her head? Thank goodness mother Mary was only asking her to do something through prayer. That's the exact same thing as asking her to do nothing. Whew.

"I knew the answer was a citywide Rosary prayer service, so I approached the city recreation department about holding the prayer service at Belleview Park. The city tabled my request at the January recreation board meeting until they could talk to their legal department but they have now approved my request to use the park for a Rosary for Life at 3 p.m. on Palm Sunday at the Belleview Park shelter house area near the lower ball fields," said Schalk.

What??!

How did we jump from praying about abortion to now conducting a citywide necklace worshipping service? Mary needs to either get her message straight, or stop talking to people that don't grasp the concept of 'doing something through prayer'.

"After I made arrangements with the city I talked to my pastor at Holy Family Catholic Church, Monsignor Gerald Calovini, and then approached Bishop R. Daniel Conlon who said he wanted to be part of the Rosary service," continued Schalk.

I'm amazed they could take time out of their busy schedules to attend. Must not be anything else keeping them busy that week. No alter boy hazings, legal defense fundraisers, or organized gay hatin'. Slow week for the perpetually single, male, and strange.

"Our lady told me that if we can have a Rosary said in every city and community in the country on the same day at the same time we will see abortions ended. That is my goal. And I hope we can accomplish an end to abortions in the near future. But we will continue our prayers on a citywide basis as long as necessary," she promised.

I fear she will fall just slightly short of that goal. I'm no psychic, but I boldly predict that nothing will change, abortion will remain legal, and Shirly will return home to continue to talk to herself. Just a guess, but I'm willing to wager on this one.

Schalk said the entire service may last approximately 90 minutes.

That's 90 minutes too long. I can think of a few things I'd rather do with 90 minutes than watch members of a sexist, homophobic, and perverted organization pray over plastic necklaces with magic powers. There must be a Marx Brothers movie I haven't seen 50 times yet. Must be. Or maybe just staying home and listening to that "use me" voice. Again.